Month: October 2009

“Life is a lesson, you learn it when you’re through.”

K, Banking

“Never shop with a woman.”

Haadhir, Kuwait. This is what Haadhir said to me, as he loaded five hundred pounds worth of shopping bags into the taxi’s front luggage compartment!

“Equal to any man and superior to none.”

Anonymous, Consultant

“What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger.”

Heather

“We are all in this together, some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde

Dan, Chef

IT’S ABOUT TIME I DONE A BLOG

I Sometimes attend a Salsa class. And one day I will succumb to the pressure of giving you the address of the YouTube clip, which features a gangly cab driver with two left feet strutting his stuff on the dance floor! A clip my teacher has cheekily uploaded. (If the truth be known, our teacher is very proud of the progress we have made in a short space of time.)

POST DANCE PROCEDURE

After burning up so many calories on the dance floor, it’s essential for me to replace all that lost energy, so my first port of call after the class finishes is the Brick Lane Bagel Bake. However, visiting such a place /area on Friday night does have its issues… for me, the main issue is the fact that I tend to be the only person on the whole street who is not under the influence of alcohol or other hallucinogenic substances!

MY SECOND DANCE CLASS

My second dance class of the evening took place inside the Bagel Bake. Saturday Night Fever came on the radio, and the people in the queue, as well as the staff began to jive, naturally I joined in, as well as observing the moves of the other dancers/drunks. I left the shop thinking that all them 2-hour Salsa classes were at last starting to pay off !

A short while later, whilst in the comfort and safety of the back of my cab, I joyfully munched away on a Salt Beef Bagel, and began to people watch. It’s amazing what you can observe from the back of a parked up taxi in Brick Lane, in the space of Seven minutes…

PEOPLE WATCHING

A group of posh ladies in pretty & expensive frocks stand outside the Bagel Bake sipping wine out of a bottle, each waiting impatiently for the bottle to come back around to them. The posh ladies are brushing shoulders with a group of homeless men and women who are arguing about what a cash donation should be spent on and which one them should keep the change. People young and old walk rapidly past my cab eating bagels out of brown paper bags. Loud music thumped out of a nearby bar, a doorman stands outside looking bored and constantly checking his watch. At a nearby apartment block, a young oriental girl presses aggressively on the communal entrance buzzer.  A CCTV camera mounted on enormous pole peers down at everyone and everything. A street gang bowl past my cab, purposely elbowing people, their plan being to instigate a response. A cyclist, who is pulling a wheelie, rides past my cab, he is cycling the wrong way down a one-way street. A man turns the corner unzips his trousers and begins to urinate against a fence, he is completely oblivious to me and the rest of the street. The girl who was pressing the buzzer has now resorted to shouting up to the apartment in the hope of getting the inhabitants attention. Three Taxi’s drive past my taxi. Their orange for hire lights looking like enormous fireflies. A man is now shouting down from the apartment block, and the girl on the street takes a few steps back and kneels down to pick up a set of keys which the man has thrown down to her. She lets herself into the apartment and has an expression of somebody who should not have to go through such rigmarole. I open the rear door of my taxi-cab and climb into the front seat.  I put the keys into the ignition and pull away… it’s now time for me to go to work……..

FALIC SYMOLS AND FOUL LANGUAGE!

It was only a matter of time before I came home with a clipboard full of foul language and falic symbols!!  Personally I was expecting this to happen on a Friday night in December with a drunken office party being responsible, however it happened tonight and the culprits were a bunch of drunken twenty something school teachers! Maybe they were replicating the words and symbols they’d seen on the textbooks of the kids they teach!

Anyway with the rough came the smooth, Joe, Nadine, Jez and Tracey you all played a massive part in turning the water into wine. Your contributions and presence were greatly appreciated.

“Television is an invention which allows you to be entertained in your living room by someone you wouldn’t have in your home.”

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

“Come the f#ck in, or f#ck the f#ck off.”

Nadine & Jez , Television & Adverts. (the above three) Nadine and Jez told me that the first quote is from  Sir David Frost, the second quote from  Winston Churchill, and the third quote from the The Thick Of It.

“You’re a long time dead.”

“When a mixed aged group gets together, everybody brings something to the table.”

Tracey (the above two)

“Love is kind, love is patient, love is never jealous.”

Anonymous

“When someone stops learning he is old.”

Joe, Property/Finance

“Winning is not about beating one’s opponent, it’s about getting out of a situation.”

Anonymous

“Choose your battles wise.”

John, Production

 

 

 

 

TWO LESBAINS AND A DOUBLE BASE

No, I’ve not just come out with a derogatory comment, these were the exact words that Kerry and Anne came out with when they entered my cab!  As they struggled to get into the cab with an enormous Double Base and a chair to accompany the instrument, I heard the comment “I don’t suppose the cabbie picks up two lesbians carrying a Double Base that often!”  To which I responded “its not an everyday occurrence but perfectly ok!” It was great to speak to two ladies who were so open and comfortable with their own sexuality. And Kerry who plays for a symphony orchestra gave me the impression that my quote project had been a positive influence on a course that she was about to embark on.

Next in were Johnnie and his partner; they wanted to be taken to Lewisham. A fun loving, rational, and professional couple who were both very creative. Johnnie’s ambition was to publish a book on London pubs. I mentioned that if he needs help on the research side of things, he could give me a shout! Its kind and level headed passengers like these two that make the job bearable and worth doing.

Another perk of this job is the eye candy, and Isabelle from France certainly topped the shifts hot appearance category.

Then came Charles and Sylvie, an elderly old school sought of the earth South London couple.  It was a short journey so I delivered my pitch immediately. Charles gave me the impression that he needed all this like a hole in the head! However, once I had explained that it was a nonprofit making project and it offered me the potential of a bit of self enlightenment, I got the support of Sylvie, who then barked at Charles

” YOU’RE EVER PLAYING THE GAME OR YOU’RE NOT. “

If lesbians had stolen the limelight earlier in the evening, and gorgeous Isabelle a little later, it was the now the time of the gay man. Barry and co had been on a large bender, as they put it!  ( To those who don’t understand English slang, this means a big night out (most of the time)) A joyful bunch who thought methodically before contributing with a quote, eventually Barry answered with

” IF HIS CRABS ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS, HE GAVE THEM TO YA ! “

If you could have witnessed the gay passenger’s debate, which continued in the back of the cab after this quote was made, you would still be laughing now!!! It wasn’t exactly a Darwin theory but comical it was…..

Enough was enough, my last fare had taken me in a homeward bound direction, and all that was left for me to do was have a feeling of complacency for my scribble filled clipboard, and ponder whether I could make head or tail of any of the handwriting on it !  As well as reminisce about a mixed bunch of passengers ( far too many to mention them all ) which consisted of lesbians brandishing a Double Base, a stunning female French passengers, who I liked to think was giving me the eye, a gay Bloke who swore blind that his theory on Crabs was 100% right. And let’s not forget the carpenter who recited Shakespeare’s quote on flatulence!

And just think I nearly didn’t go to work !

“When someone is upset, all there is to do is love them, and get that they are upset, no one needs fixing.”

Kerry & Anne, Bristol

“It’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees.”

Joe

“Better to have loved and lost, than to live with the crazy for the rest of your life.”

“Figure out how dumb you are, then do what you can.”

“Never explain, never complain.”

“Never get drunk with people you don’t know.”

“Don’t tie your shoelaces in a revolving door.”

Anonymous (the above five)

“Don’t pay the ferry man until he gets you to the other side.”

Ray, Ireland

“Blow wind and crack your cheeks.” Shakespeare

Khayter, 24, Carpenter

RUSH HOUR, RAIN RAIN AND MORE RAIN………

My windscreen was misty and so was the sky. The traffic was stop start stop start. The buildings looked greyer than grey. Umbrellas opened up like petals on a flower; the fashoinistas had umbrellas that matched their outfits. Passengers came and went. Black cabs were a sought after commodity. Amid all this madness and mayhem, the leaves on the autumn trees looked beautiful, the passengers still found time to put pen to paper, and I’m becoming an expert at reading scruffy handwriting !

“Tell your boss good news on a Friday, so he can think about it over the weekend, save the bad news for Mondays. Mondays are shit anyway, so you won’t spoil anything!”

Anonymous

“The most important person that you must live with is yourself.”

Anonymous

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer.”

H, Leeds

“No plan survives first contact with the enemy.”

Susie

“Keep between the hedges.”

“Life isn’t a rehearsal… this is it.”

Sinead

“Treat all men equally.”

Aron

“Good things happen to good people.”

“Good luck happens to people who make luck.”

Craig, Software

Le’ts start the week with a Taxi driver joke……

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman, He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more … He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died … I’m married to his f#ckin’ widow.”